Ups and Downs

With my brother's death it's hard not to think about it often. I think I've done well with moving on but there are still moments that trigger me.
Going to Arizona was a difficult trip. I was full of so many different emotions I wasn't for sure how to feel. Seeing my sister-in-law and her family was a tender moment. I just thought how could I have ever complained about my situations sometimes. Yet, she still is so strong and doing so well. I was grateful to see my brother's had married good wives and were there for them, holding them, wiping their tears.


His sweet baby Joseph.

Mary (the SIL) asked me to give the eulogy at the funeral. I didn't think I could do it but now I'm so glad that she had the inspiration to ask me. Many little miracles happened while my family was there together but a simple one happened to me just recently. Just another testimony that the Lord know me and what I need. Last Friday is was to be a part of my family.


Growing up I never felt "left out" technically. I was the girl and shared absolutely NO interest with most of my brothers but I always felt a part of most things. My brother Doug loved sports and whatever sport he was doing at the time he did 100%. Hands down it was his life, almost. Well, the last 6 years he picked up cycling along with about 4 or 5 of my other brothers. It was a major part of his funeral. It was amazing. However, a little part of me felt empty because this was what everyone talked about and it wasn't how I remembered him. I felt disassociated in some way. I couldn't seem to explain my feelings.


About 70 cyclists showed to lead the precession with 5 of my brothers leading the way. It was the coolest thing.

The other day I was reading a blog post about my brother. It commented on the unique bonds and relationships between brothers. BAM! I just burst into tears for the rest of the day. I just couldn't seem to stop. It was a true statement that really got me hard. For me, it clarified some of my emptiness. I felt selfish for feeling this way and wanted so hard to fit in with what seem to some how "hit home" to all my brothers. Something that will never happen. Sisters have special relationships brothers have unique bonds. Where do I fit in with all this? I don't have sisters and I'm not a brother. This is such a hard feeling to explain, even to myself.


My brothers and Kyle (who mine as well be a brother, he lived with us for a year and a best friend to the family.)



OK, this is a really kinky picture, but I wanted to show the shirts they had made for the ride. New jerseys are being made for official rides as I type.

I will do my part in help to raise awareness for cyclist on the roads because this was the unfortunate way of my brother's death. But will I live a legend of cycling for him? Probably not. I will always remember him as a sports enthusiast, no doubt, but I will let my brothers do the cycling and the other things they do because that is their unique bond.

As for me, after much thought and consideration of whether I have "subconsciously" always struggled to fit in, I figured, "Who cares. So be it." I will continue to do so if that's the case. I will just try to make my own individual bonds with my brothers because if there is one thing that I could choose to remember Doug for, was that he was a family man. He loved his family. I do too and I want to carry that legend on.

I love you Doug and all my brothers.