Miscarriage

This being my personal sight I figured it would be an appropriate place to express my feelings at this time in my life. Plus, I feel like since I publicly announced it to the world I need to publicly denounce it. Miscarrying just two days ago, one could imagine that I'm probably devastated. I've even thought to myself, "Wow! Not a great year for living! First my grandfather, then my brother, now this." But it was nothing like that at all. I don't even classify it with the other two. I just have to start from the beginning.
When I found out I was expecting I wasn't surprised but excited. I was ready. However, I could never get focused and visualize myself with this fourth child. I figured, nothing new it's the fourth child! It's routine now. But then things started getting out of whack for my body. I'll spare details but finally I was forced to go to the doctor. The baby was normal and healthy at 8 weeks. I was not. I needed a Rogam shot and progesterone. My heart goes out to every women that has ever had to take this stuff. IT'S THE DEVIL!!! I got acne, was tired, sometimes delusional, tired, bloated, gaining weight by the hours (literally), exhausted, hungover every morning when I woke up, did I mention that I was tired? After the DHS extravaganza I was not going to fall asleep. For the past week and half I think my boys have only seen me move from one place to the other just to lay down in a different position. I was officially worthless. Oh, and that minor detail that I had been bleeding at this point for almost a month. I was tired.
At ten weeks, I wasn't suffering from morning sickness, pain, or anything that would seem normal for the first trimester. I finally talked to Jarom and knew that I wouldn't be able to hold out much longer this just wasn't right. We had thought that my body was working really hard to keep the baby alive or it was working really hard to abort the baby. At that point we had accepted the worse.
The next day I had to go into the doctor I was starting to lose too much blood. At the ultrasound we immediately saw that there was no longer a heart beat and the baby hadn't grown since the last visit. I wasn't surprised. I was felt prepared. My doctor tried so hard to console me and make sure I was doing alright. He wanted me to understand that it wasn't my fault. That had never even crossed my mind.
I find my brain just doesn't work like others. I feel awkward not feeling sad realizing maybe I'm not an emotional person OR my positivity is beyond "the norm" and just don't really see reality. I've heard of the physical pain and emotional pain is just hard to overcome. I must have got the lucky end of the stick because I hardly felt any pain physically. Emotionally, so others don't think I'm completely "cold-hearted" I must explain my relief. I say this because, I have had so many call/write and feel sadness for me and comfort for me but I really have been feeling great and I think that my response as come across somewhat inappropriate.
One, I know miscarriages are not uncommon, it's my first not a continuing struggle, and I can try again. Two and probably the greatest comfort, is that I understand the Plan of Happiness. This child needed a body and I provided a way. If that's all it needed that's enough for me. Third, I don't think I could ever put into words how HAPPY I am to no longer have to be on progesterone! Today is the second day off of that crap and I feel like a new woman! I feel so relieved to have my body back. There are just no words. Lastly, it answered our/my concerns. With all my bleeding and if the baby was still showing healthy I was afraid I could be looking at some other serious problem.
Overall, I just feel relief and somewhat rejuvenated. I am in pure "awe" of how amazing our bodies have been created to handle these things. Who am I to second guess the Lord? I just can't seem to find a place for sadness. Honestly, I'm pretty grateful for that.