Today it has been 5 months since the death of my brother. It's amazing how little things can still trigger thoughts of him in my mind. Unfortunately, had his circumstance been any different it probably wouldn't cause me to tear up. Interesting that all these years I only saw him about every two years and now I think about him twice as much. Death really changes everything.
I see cyclists on the road and immediately slow down.
This weekend is the North End Classic in Yuma, AZ. Doug, from what I understand, kind of got this up and going again making it a big race. This year it will be renamed in his honor as the the Doug Flynn Memorial North End Classic. I think this is amazing. He will always be remembered.
I have had some mixed feelings on the matter. This was his passion towards the end of his life. Several of my other brothers share this love with him and will go to ride this weekend in the race. We had jerseys made and they say "Team Flynn." I'll wear it this weekend in his honor but I will not be flying to Yuma to attend. I wonder what others will think because not all his family will be there for this event? I even wonder what some of my other family members think because it wasn't my highest priority to be there? Should I feel bad? I've mentioned before this just isn't what I remembered most about him and I don't have this strong attachment. With that, I didn't feel the need to rush out there and attend. I have so many mixed emotions about the whole thing. I guess my big thing is that all these people there, so many remember him as this cyclist. I want to hold up signs and say, "Have you seen him play tennis? Wrestle?" I know people know him for other things but I just feel like his life is starting to be set in stone as a cyclist and that was his life. This frustrates me. Is this what he would want?
I do wish I could see his sweet family.
Maybe it's selfish.
In my defense my youngest brother is getting married the following weekend and we are flying to Orlando to be at that major event.
I feel that I have moved on and have peace but I will never forget him. How could you? I look forward to seeing him again someday. I'm reminded of the hymn "Oh What Songs of the Heart." Beautiful hymn that I'm requesting now be sung at my funeral. (Jarom write that down.) The words describe just how I feel. I'm passed mourning and really have much to look forward to.
1 comment:
I wish I had read this earlier! Even though I cannot have any idea what you feel, I understand the part about Doug being remembered only as a cyclist. I get how that is frustrating. He was also an amazing dad too and his kids will be his legacy. Maybe lil' Joseph will be a hardcore wrestler, who knows? But I also think about him every time I see a cyclist on the road. I immediately slow waaaayy down. I don't think that will ever change for me.
I wish we could've been there in Yuma, but it just wasn't possible. Just because you aren't there doesn't mean you don't care. You do the best you can, you know? He adored you (just like all your bros do) and I'm sure he's okay you couldn't make it. :)
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