One Year

This day I knew would come and yet somehow my emotions have taken me by surprise. Thanks to pregnancy and the need to have to always get up in the middle of the night to go pee, I was up at four, 4:09am to be exact. I went back to bed and just lay there not being able to go back to sleep. Before I knew it I was crying. Trying not to wake my quiet house I just let the tears flow. My pillow was wet. My hair was wet. My eyes were pouring. I just wanted to go back to sleep I had a house to run in just a couple of hours. But I lay there and thought of my brother Doug. His love for life, friends, and family. His positive attitude. I just hoped to carry those things on too.
I thought about how I planned to do just that by planning my day cram packed full . . .like take my friend out for her birthday because I love her. He was good to his friends. Build a train track with Hyrum and even some DDR with the older boys. Doug loved his family. Teach a dance class because I never miss an opportunity to dance and share my passion. Doug was really passionate about his activities. Then go out with my husband tonight with friends and cherish how much I love them. The thoughts just overwhelmed me. It led to one thing after another.
My Stake President's wife asked me this summer, while we were at Philmont, how I was doing. She told me how she felt when she lost her father. When that first year came SO FAST and it was fairly difficult. She wasn't near the grave site or family. She didn't know if it was OK to move on or not and she just didn't want to forget. I know how she feels right now.
Thankfully, I still have my sweet husband (whom I probably woke up despite my efforts) and he put his hand to my arm and pulled me to his side of the bed and wrapped me up in his arms and just held me while I REALLY cried. . . for a long time. I was completely in love and loved at that moment and so glad that I still have this person to hold me and comfort me. Where would I be without him? Though I no doubt believe that our marriage is eternal, there are moments where that seems to far away for the here and now. Oh how my heart goes out to Mary this day!
And though I have the desire to hang up that black dress, for the year has come, I know that it's still alright to be sad. There will be times that I will have a memory of Doug come to my mind. But this day I will never forget. Never.