This year one of my goals was to do a monthly self evaluation. I haven't done great on the monthly part (and I record elsewhere), but I have become more aware of myself and hopefully bettering myself in the process.
Though this time I thought I'd put my thoughts out there on something that has weighed on my mind the past few days.
It's that monthly vicious cycle us women go through. Some call it PMS but for me it's a whole other world. It's difficult. I know they have meds for these things, but I'm kind of stubborn. I want to defeat the demon myself.
It is a demon. The odd thing is that I don't ever recall it being as bad in the past as it has been the past year and half.
Ever since I had Bret and having that emergency C-section, I feel my hormones have never truly recovered. They have remained forever off balance and my result is major insecurity. Sure, I can get snappy and angry but the pit is self-worth.
Every month it haunts me, I cycle through the worries that Jarom doesn't love me, want me, or need me. My senses are heightened to every move he makes. Poor fellow. It even comes to me in dreams of him cheating. Recently, I woke up on the verge of tears. Then I begin to feel frustration that we ever moved here. I just want to go back to the way things were. It seems to be a hole I just can't climb out of. I hate it.
It' my mini-mode of depression, I guess. I hear it's normal. Doesn't mean I like it or want it. It has been a great learning process for me. I try to feel it coming and control it now that I am more aware, but I seem to just get through each time.
It worries me, to be honest.
It bothers me.
Then it get better.
I forget.
Then it happens, again.
I'm pretty regular.
It's a time, that I have to truly be dependent on the Lord. That too has been a growing experience. I get these downs and I immediately go to the scriptures, Ensign, prayer, anything that helps fill me with the Spirit, distracts my mind and gives me strength.
It doesn't go away but it helps.
That's when I really gained a testimony of the Atonement and the value it holds in my life.
You see, right after I had Bret and for about 6 months, I pretty much faced the fact that I suffered from a form of post-partum depression. At the time, I didn't know what was wrong, but I was on the verge of a meltdown. I figured it had to do with just having a baby, having five kids, moving, then not moving, and I'm sure those were a factor, but there were still days that getting up to move required such effort. I would sit and just cry for no reason. I felt very alone. I was embarrassed and afraid to talk to anyone. I had no one to talk to.
I'm a pretty positive person, I thought I might be immune to such a circumstance. I believe that my personality probably did help me push through, but I needed help. I was full of guilt. In my mind I must be living a sinful life to have such a heavy burden. I would think of everything I could have done bad or wrong...never gave back that CD to that kid in high school. What was the last book I read? Was it okay? Did I say something that hurt Jarom's feelings? Was I parenting all wrong? It only made the feelings worse. I knew I wasn't perfect, but I was trying. At this point, I was afraid to miss a beat.
Jarom doesn't handle these "feeling" issues very well and that made it even more difficult for me. I think he really thought I was crazy. At one point, he may have been right. It had gotten so bad that that was the reasoning for the goal of a personal evaluation. I needed Jarom to love me again.
I eventually healed and got over the every other day occurrence, but here it is, hitting me once a month.
I learned that depression is not always because of sin. It's called the "dark and dreary" world. As I rested on my porch today admiring the beautiful day and all the beauty around me, what could be dark and dreary? It's in the mind. It's the hormones. They just seem to be wackier than others. The Atonement helps make that burden lighter, bearable, and slowly heals so that it doesn't linger every day. It has nothing to do with repentance.
I knew the Atonement was for many things, but this was my first "witness" of knowing that I needed now more than ever, to be healed and feel love and understanding. I've come to really learn that depression, hormonal imbalance, they are very real.
It was a new process to apply the Atonement in such a different way. I can not fully explain or express what it has done for me.
I still struggle to talk about this to others, especially ones I'm close to because I don't want to be "one who has issues." No one does, but denial can hold you down like a ton of bricks.
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