My children, five sons, is one of those great things.
My husband is the other.
I'm sure there are many other things but these are definitely my top two.
Recently, when our newest addition came to our family, it was not without a fright. Death never really crossed my mind, but my fear was simply being separated from my husband.
I remember once discussing with a friend I visit taught about whether we could choose between our husband and our kids if such a decision would have to be made. I have never hesitated in knowing that I would choose my husband in a heartbeat. Now as I've had more children and been a mother longer, I would say it would be more difficult to make this decision. However, there is something about that companionship that I still reach for and would in the end always choose my husband. Let's just hope I NEVER have to make such a choice.
I digress.
There is little I remember from this last delivery of our fifth child. When I had to have an emergency C-section, when it was all happening, it still wasn't sinking in that my child was in danger. I had no idea, nor did Jarom. We both just knew that something was not right and had to be taken care of PRONTO.
I do remember being rushed down the hallway in my hospital bed, hearing the heavy breathing from the doctors and nurses rushing me to the operating room. As I watched the lights on the ceiling, they were so bright and we were passing everything so quickly. I was nervous. I was afraid because I didn't know what was happening exactly. I felt lost. I can only imagine how my face looked. I began to get scared and I could feel my eyes filling with water. I didn't know what was happening!
As I saw the OR room doors close and hearing them say my husband couldn't come in and I see him disappear from my sight behind the thick white doors, I cried silently.
I tried to remain calm even when they put the oxygen mask on me. I can't stand to have my face covered and my first instinct was to try to remove it from my face. But I didn't. It was as if I was paralyzed from confusion, fear, and feeling very much alone. A large piece of me was standing on the other side of that door. I was alone and needed him.
I am glad that I was put completely under for this surgery because I could not have been awake and gone through all that with Jarom not by my side.
I have still not heard all of Jarom's side of the story. He had to stay awake during everything and was just as confused as me with what the emergency was about. I have just heard little tidbits here and there. He apparently doesn't like to talk about it and I have not pressed, despite my curiosity. I just sense it scared him enough to not want to recall.
After all this, it has stayed with me for almost two weeks, that emptiness I felt as we were being separated. A realization that I cannot live without this man. I use to think how he couldn't survive without me but I know now I can't really survive without him. I need him to need me. I live to keep him alive and make him happy. Not because I am some pitiful, submissive, low self-esteemed woman, but because I LOVE him.
With the baby being upstairs and I'm still in recovery I have had to sleep upstairs as well. It has been miserable. Each night when I have to sleep in another bed it saddens me. It hurts. there have been a few nights that I have almost cried. I know that my hormones are slightly wacko as well, but I still have this desire, this need to be close to Jarom always. I feel so far away from him when I'm in another bed. I can't wait until I can't start moving up and down the stairs regularly!
My love for Jarom is at another level. Eternity doesn't even seem long enough. It's a powerful thing to come to such a place in your heart, your soul. We have been sealed together but now I think we have molded together, become one. Each year of our marriage it has just gotten better. I wish so many people could experience what I feel. It takes love to a whole other meaning.
During my recovery I have seen Jarom do things that I have never seen him do our entire marriage! I know it hasn't been easy for him but he has never complained or expected to do anything. It has been like pulling a layer of film from my eyes and I see Jarom in another light. ( It's sexy!) His service and patience has shown how he loves me which makes me love him even more.
I feel blessed. I feel tingly inside. I feel the need to hold back tears as I think about it. Who would have thought getting married at eighteen I would make such a good decision for a companion? People doubted us but we were meant to be. It makes me almost rethink the concept of soul mates. One thing is for sure, love is much more than just an action. It's almost like a living thing. It can grow and develop on all different degrees and in the process weave a relationship together and make it stronger.
Love is a beautiful thing.
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